Yiam

*this is the first entry i try to make it readable. at least, i directly state what i want to say.

(Local) Definition
Truth = what it is...
Discourse = idea (e.g. what can be perceive as truth, judgment , standards or norms people to determine values of things, etc.)
Power = a force that make a person to believe in a discourse; a force that determine the result of discourse transcendence (both in one being and between beings)

Assumption : truth does exist as a unique reality. (if specify time, the observer, and the observed) [the world without truth is unimaginable... so to make it simple, let it be like this]

   Why bother?
We, humans, live and act according to what we perceive. (not in what it is) Thus, we live in a discourse which we perceive as truth (we shall call it the believed discourse). There is one discourse that we live in and that is the most important thing to us. Although truth does matter since it affects discourse, it is the believed discourse which shapes our lives. Then, what make us believes in a discourse? We shall call that mysterious thing power. If one can control which discourse to be believed, one can control his/her own life. (an other's life as well, but it's less important)

   Truth and Discourse
We can never reach truth. Whenever we observe truth, we get discourse. Therefore, discourse might be viewed as a gateway to truth. Hence, we, our consciousness, live in our believed discourse. On the contrary, truth affects the believed discourse through power. We might say that (though with small confidence because we cannot reach truth) in truth, we live in truth. Or in other words, we physically live in truth. And through this channel, truth dictates what we perceive as truth.

   Truth and Power
Truth is a part of power since people can use their 5 senses to determine concrete physical world which they live in (truth)*. In addition, things that can influence truth can transitively influence discourse, so things that influence truth are also a part of power. However, only truth cannot make the whole power since truth cannot completely control abstract discourse. (Of course, this matters since nowadays we live more and more in abstract ideas; happiness, joy, fun,etc. all are abstract) Things like, rhetoric, propaganda, feelings, emotion, etc. all can also influence abstract discourse. These are also a part of power.

   Discourse and Power
   Power, by definition, can determine which discourse to be believed. On the contrary, a discourse once believed also becomes power itself. A believed discourse can make other discourses become more convincing or less convincing. Sometimes it even imply that some other discourses are unfeasible. Thus, believed discourse further believed discourse. (However, a new discourse with tremendous support from power can still make a person reject the previously believed discourse.)
   In addition, believed discourse tends to be transcend from one person to another person (people want others to do right things). People might use power to transcend their discourse (whether it is their believed discourse or just random discourse). So, discourse can spread. Each part of power has different efficiency to different people. Thus, power which determine the transcendence in one person and power which determine the transcendence between people are different. Discourse spread between people and discourse inside oneself is determine by different types of power.

--
*here, we reject the idea that the mind interpreting the input from the 5 senses according to its will, not what it is(truth).

comparing to another model: we live in truth(what it is). And truth(as what we live in; not discourse) is directed by truth (not by power).
warning: this is only a discourse. And if this discourse is used to openly describe something specifically, it might violate power which determine the transcendence between people.
note:
- since we can't reach truth, we can't use truth to judge discourse. and since we use discourse to judge discourse, we can never confidently evaluate values of discourse.
- unfortunately, discourse about purpose is also determined by power?
- the detail, especially in the notion of power, might need to be corrected and added.
- power inside oneself v. power between people; how to live in the midst of power?

เราชอบคนเพราะคนคนนั้น "ดี" หรือเพราะเพียงแค่เราต้องการจะรู้สึกเช่นนั้น
เราเกลียดคนเพราะคนคนนั้น "ไม่ดี" หรือเพราะเพียงแค่เราต้องการจะรู้สึกเช่นนั้น
เราซึ้งใจในบุญคุณคนเพราะคนคนนั้นช่วยเหลือเรา หรือเพราะเพียงแค่เราต้องการจะรู้สึกเช่นนั้น
เราเชื่อคนเพราะว่าคนคนนั้นน่าเชื่อถือ หรือเพราะเพียงแค่เราต้องการจะรู้สึกเช่นนั้น
...

By whim and caprice

    After a ghost disappears, I gain my total independent for the first time. My action depends solely on my decision. The ghost cannot influence me any more. Life now has no bound, no rule, and no limit. I arrive at total freedom.
    Wait a second. Without rule and without bound, what is with me in this total freedom?
    Nothing! Literally nothing. Without bound and without rule I have nothing but myself to cling to.* Here alone in the midst of nothingness  exists only I. Nothing but myself can justify my choosing--so I always justify myself. I always pick the good one.
    In the universe of nothingness, which discipline would decision-making process follow? There is no rule, no bound, so the decision could be made without ground. Can it be supported by reason? NO! Reason can never end in itself. It always traces back to another reason before it, another reason before that another, .. and finally end in something that is based on no reason: I, myself.** Everything grounds on me!
    Perhaps, I never use reason as the main tool in decision making process. I always pick one choice, choosing a tentative outcome. I don't know why I pick each particular choice. However, that never matters since, I always succeed in finding whatever reasons that support my choosing. Here, I get reasonable decision... Nevertheless, the decision is done before reason come in and play its role. Oh, how irrational I am!
    Am I talking about responsibility? NO! The total freedom I gain include freedom from responsibility. I'm showing that the process of decision making is always carried on by "something" I cannot explain. That "something" is in myself. My authentic choosing, a decision made while acknowledging my total freedom , happens in some mysterious way which, for me, is "incomprehensible and unfathomable." Thus, there comes "by whim and caprice".

*This sounds like but is not the phenomenon which happens because growing-up process.
**When sending the "why" to myself recursively, it will end up with the answer: "well, I just like it." or "I want it to be in that way."

--
From me to myself

   The Ghost

   A ghost! A ghost! This ghost has been following me since I was born, but I've just sensed its existence a moment ago.
   How can I sense it? I just realized that whenever I feel the need to decide things that matter, I never make any authentic decision. Even a moment I cannot feel the need to decide, some of my choices have been chosen. There is something, some unknown, mysterious being which makes a decision in my name. That thing shall be called a ghost.
   Did I choose to go to the breakfast this morning? Did I choose to take a shower before going to bed? Did I choose to breath and continue my living? ... These are things that (may) not matter. Here it seems that a ghost, or my ghost, is useful, since the correct choice which I should choose is so obvious that it's a waste of time and waste of energy to explicitly think about these issues. Beware the ghost's world, "obvious". It's the ghost's beginning of the taking-over.
   Then come the more important issues. Did I choose to be here where I am? Did I choose to do what I am doing? Did I choose to be who I am? Did I choose the goal of my life? ... For these issues, the ghost has millions voices: "pick this one, it suit you well", "go study there, it's the highest rank", "don't do that, it's not good", "you need to be good", etc. These voices circling around my ears. Certainly, up to this moment I always obeyed the voices... obeyed but unconscious of their existence. For now, I hear them and I know their meaning surround the two poles: the good and the bad. Unfortunately, no one but the ghost knows what lies at each pole. Millions voices of the ghost group all things into two and make the duality obvious. That is the ghost. It lures me with its voices and decides for me to follow the voices.
   My ghost is like other ghosts. It can't stand being seen. Thus, once I realize its existence, it disappears. So here I am alone by myself, free from the ghost.

--
written while choosing a college